Finals, Christmas, and Friends

It's getting close to Christmas time and finals are this week. I totally bombed two of my three classes, which sucks, but I had it coming. This semester has been one where I've focused on my social life and completely snubbed my studies. Next semester is going to have to be different.

But for now I'm sort of just enjoying the Christmas season. I get to be with my friends at school for another week, and then I'm going home to my family and my old high school friends. Down memory road once more...It makes a girl think. That's where I've been; where am I going? There are so many different options, so many different things I could do and be wonderfully happy. I hate making decisions when they are all great.

A little update about boys: I am now dating one of my old friends, who I met when I first moved here. It's so refreshing being able to laugh and joke and not worry as much about whether he likes me or not, because he's already my friend. Plus, he is a sweetheart. He would never hurt me on purpose, and THAT is such a relief. It's nice to not have to worry whether or not he will come by some day and say, "I'm sorry, there's this other girl..." He's such a gentleman. If I'm not careful, I might fall in love with him.

A Real Humdinger of a Week

I hate it when you are on Cloud 9, everything is going your way, and then all of a sudden something goes wrong and you might as well be back in the ninth circle of Hell all over again. That seems to be how my life goes lately. I was just getting excited about dating someone I was really interested in, and BAM! He's not interested in me and is now basically back to avoiding me. Of course, he managed to squeeze in lots of advice on how to pick yourself up and be happy, which was about the last thing I was interested in hearing at that point. I feel kind of like a punching bag that is old and worn and losing all of its stuffing. And the worst part? Nobody cares.

How do you move on while still nursing the wound? All I want to do right now is hide from the world, cut off all human contact (or at least with everyone that I know), and somehow stitch my heart back together. I heard that introverts are like that; they are ok to be with people, but people drain them, and they need time alone to recharge themselves emotionally and physically. I suppose I am an introvert right now. Big surprise, though, eh? Within two or three weeks I was proposed to, broke up with my boyfriend, got another boyfriend, and got dumped by him. Is it a crime for me to want to avoid people, since people are the ones that keep abusing me?

How do you move on when your heart looks like confetti and your brain looks like a puddle? *sigh*

Cloud 9

Ah, could a girl be a little more confused and yet so blissfully happy? The man who has been steadfastly ignoring me for the past two months finally came out and apologized on Sunday. He had been stricken with an extreme case of jealousy when I started to date the guy who proposed. 

He was right to be jealous; I gave him every indication that I was extremely interested in him, and then I hauled off and got a boyfriend because this guy just wasn't doing anything. All three of us got hurt: Jason, the guy who proposed, is now in a lot of emotional pain because I broke up with him and told him there was nothing there; Jose, the guy who I was madly in love with the whole time, got hurt when I got another boyfriend, and is now just as paranoid of showing his feelings for me as I am of showing mine to him; and I feel like something of a gremlin for turning these two guys' lives upside down and inside out.

But at the same time...

I am incredibly happy! At least, once I shove aside the feelings of self-doubt. I asked Jose to go to Preference with me on Saturday, and he said he'd love to. I got really worried last night when I asked him about it and he seemed to get a bit ho-hummish about it. But when I told my roommates about it, they said he was probably just shy and just as nervous about it as I was. I really hope that they are right. I've had too many bombs explode when I've asked the guy out.

The way he holds me, the way he quietly tells me everything will be alright, the way he wouldn't tell anyone how he voted but then told me...We were sitting in the basement of the Wilkinson Center, waiting for the bishop to get there (Jose is Executive Secretary and in charge of bishop interviews), and we were just kind of holding each other. Then the bishop came around the corner, so Jose stood up quickly and I buried my nose in my book. The bishop looked at me and said, "That's a very interesting study place." haha. Yeah.

Anyways, my life is the ultimate roller coaster. I love it! I just wish there weren't so many shocking drops...

A Joke

A small joke--

So there are three men: an American, a Frenchman, and an Englishman. They are walking along a beach when they find a genie lamp. They rub it and the genie comes out. It tells them they each get one wish.

The American, being all self-important, goes first. He has it all figured out. "I was ten million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"Done," says the genie.

The Frenchman goes next, and since the French hate everyone but themselves, he asks for a huge wall around all of France.

"Done," says the genie.

The Englishman is next, but he asks, "Can I ask you a question first?"

"Sure," says the genie.

"Are there any windows or doors in that French wall?"

"No."

"Then fill it with water."

A Modest Proposal

So tonight my boyfriend of five weeks popped the question--"Will you marry me?"

Those must be four of the most stunning words in the entire world. Four words, five syllables, and an eternity of emotion and social commentary packed into no more than three seconds of vocal chord vibrations.

I was not expecting this at all. A week ago today (well, yesterday) I broke up with him. I told him that I didn't love him and that I didn't see us going anywhere. I had been wanting to do that for a few weeks because I had interests in other guys and I only saw him as a good friend. On Tuesday he took me to dinner at Red Lobster and we had a great time, so he started to come over to our apartment more often. Saturday he helped me go car shopping (sadly unsuccessful). And Sunday, after church and kidnapping my roommate to cheer her up, I went with him on a drive.

We had been sitting in his car talking for a while. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, "A question." I asked him what question, and he didn't say anything for a while. Knowing him and what was on his mind, I figured that that specific question was on his mind. However, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that he would actually ask me. He has asked me on other occasions if I could see us together, or if I think we would make a good pair. Everything pointing that way but nothing ever asking something of me.

So after he didn't say anything for a while, I figured that was the question on his mind and thought that right now I don't want to mess with it. I told him that if he didn't want to tell me, then I didn't want to know. Then he came out and said it.

"Will you marry me?"

No ring, no flowers, no years of excited anticipation--just a modest proposal. Don't get me wrong; I like simplicity very much. It's just that this time it all caught me off-guard, as if he had just asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday instead of spend the rest of eternity with him.

I told him that I didn't think that I could answer that just yet. He said ok, that it would be fine for me to just think about it and process it in my mind, be it for thirty seconds or eight or nine months.

So now begins the thinking.

Generally a girl is ecstatic when her boyfriend pops the question. Here at BYU there are not a few girls who would kill to have this opportunity. And yet, all I can do right now is sit here at my rented iMac and type a few stunned notes while my unknowing roommates and half the world sleeps.

What do I do?

A New Day

Today, Monday Oct. 13, 2008, has been a reasonable day. Yesterday wasn't, though. I broke up with my boyfriend and a close friend deleted me from off of Facebook. I was miserable yesterday. 

But today seems to be such a better day. I slept in, skipped my first two classes, and picked up a computer to rent for the semester while I figure out what happened to my laptop. Our heater is fixed in our apartment, and I managed to sign up for a leadership position at BYUSA on the Service Squad. I'm still not sure what that means, but I'll find out.

Life is not exactly peachy, but you know what? I don't care. I am alive, breathing, don't have a terminal illness, and I live with a bunch of crazy awesome roommates. Life is good.